This is the... speech? toast? I wrote and gave the night before my sister's wedding. I don't think I was ever more nervous than trying to speak this, not only clearly, but correctly. I feel like it rides the edge of being too obnoxious and if I didn't write or deliver the transition correctly, it would fall on the wrong side. I think I succeeded.

We're gathered here tonight because somebody, Tyler, decided he loved someone enough to put a ring on it. And someone else, cough Jessie cough, decided she loved him back enough to say yes. Ew.

Tyler, I don't know if anyone's let you know, but... Well, I'll just say it: Jessie's mean and hateful and she has a terrible attitude when she finally wakes up and she calls the kindest, sweetest people terrible names (cough like Jacob). What? Who said that? I don't know who that was, but you keep speaking the truth, brother. I mean... Tyler... let me read to you what she sent me on Easter. "Jacob, you stink and nobody loves you. Garfield says he hates you. Happy Easter!" I still have the card, actually, because it's easy to catch up on your rest when you're crying yourself to sleep.

I just want you to make an informed decision. So that years from now, after hearing hundreds of "you stink" and "you don't have a birth certificate because you were hatched" and "no, pork sculptures at a wedding are a terrible idea", you have no one to blame but yourself. Just a heads up.

And to Jessie. First of all, 1) No, you stink, 2) Excuse you, yes I do too have a birth certificate; you're the one that doesn't actually exist, and 3) Pork sculptures are a brilliant idea. Even your better half agrees with that last one.

And yes, he is your better half for a very simple reason: he didn't get me a roll of toilet paper for Christmas. Like you did. Ugh.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, you're both weird. So weird. And your love is weird. And it's so wonderful in its weird ways that I know without a shadow of a doubt that it will remain y'all's weird love til death do you part.

Because we're gathered here tonight, and we'll gather again tomorrow, because somebody decided he loved her enough to ask her to marry him. And she loved him back enough to say yes. Cheers to you both, and mazel tov.